Pigtails

BREAKING NEWS from the OnCenter News Team!! Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer has been accused of gender-based assault, according to reports swirling around Capitol Hill. Although details are unclear, the anonymous victim tells The Washington Post that Schumer attacked her in a kindergarten playground in 1955 — 63 years ago.

In a nationwide exclusive, the OnCenter News Team has acquired part of the interview transcript:

Interviewer: Can you describe the attack?

Victim: Yes. I was in the playground away from the other children and teachers and Chucky ran up behind me and pulled my pigtails—hard! He did this because I was a woman. But it was a violent attack that traumatized me for decades after. It caused physical pain at the time, in fact, I thought for a moment that he might inadvertently kill me!

Interviewer: Why do you think he did it?

Victim: I think he might’ve liked me.

Interviewer: Did your classmates see the attack? Were you injured?

Victim: No one else saw it, except Chucky's friend, who jumped on us both to end the attack. There was no lasting physical injury, but the trauma of the event has stayed with me year after year, decade after decade. The #MeToo movement has taught me that even after all these years, I must now speak out.

Interviewer: Did you tell your teachers or your parents or anyone at the time?

Victim: No. In fact, my recollection of the entire event is rather hazy but I’m absolutely certain it was Chuckie Schumer, or at least I’m pretty sure it was him.

The Oncenter News Team contacted Schumer's kindergarten friend and asked for comment. He responded with a mixture of unfiltered incredulousness and anger:

Wait, what? You're kidding right? This is nuts. And besides, who the hell would dwell on an event that happened 62 years ago, did no lasting physical harm, and occurred when we were kids. It didn't happen as far as I can remember, but that's way beside the point. F*$&## unbelievable.

When asked to comment on the allegation of gender-based assault leveled against the leader of her party's caucus, Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), along with other Democrat colleagues, seemed circumspect.

Reporter (amid shouting by other media): Is Senator Schumer Guilty?

Warren: Whether these allegations are true or not is irrelevant, we must acknowledge the victim's pain. I do that.

Reporter: But doesn't the truth matter? After all, you're innocent until proven guilty in our country. And besides, this allegation is completely unsubstantiated.

Warren: That's true, but I'm certain that Senator Schumer is innocent of the charges, although I acknowledge the victim's pain.

Reporter: You already said that. Why do you think Schumer is innocent?

Warren: Our investigators have uncovered the name of the victim and have further uncovered details of her political ideology. We have her Facebook profile and her Twitter feed. By the way, she recently deleted key elements of it, obviously trying to hide her political positions.

Another reporter: What have you found?

Warren: Well, there's a picture of the woman, now 67 years old, with a red M.A.G.A. hat! That should tell us all we need to know about her politics. It might be a motivation for her allegation, but I do acknowledge her pain.

The gaggle of reporters collectively gasp.

Warren (continuing): If this allegation is politically motivated in any way, that's deplorable ... no wait, check that, I didn't mean to say 'deplorable.'

Reporter (amid shouting by other media): But you just said, and I quote: "Whether her allegations are true or not is irrelevant ..." How can you now say Schumer is innocent" or that the "allegation is politically motivated."

Senator Mazie Hirono (D-HI) from Hawaii (interrupting angrily): You're a man and you can't understand the pain of a pigtail attack. Men need to shut up and do the right thing.

As the controversy intensifies there have been calls for an FBI investigation of Schumer's kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade activities, but Democrats are resisting. When asked for comment, an FBI spokesperson shook her head with a wry smile.

For his part, Senator Schumer has vehemently denied the allegations.

"My goodness," said Schumer, "I, of course, acknowledge the victim's pain, but this alleged incident was 62 years ago."

When asked whether an analogous assault with analogous circumstances that occurred 36 years ago would be different, Schumer responded angrily, "Of course, it would!"

When asked why, Schumer walked away.